Dealing with Accusations in Dementia Care

If you haven’t faced accusations along your dementia care journey yet, there's a chance you will at some point. Your partner may accuse you or others of lying, stealing, or harming them. These accusations can extend to claims of physical or verbal abuse, neglect, poisoning, captivity, or cheating. When this happens, it can be challenging to know what to do and how to respond.

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Example Scenarios:

Here are some example scenarios you might encounter:

• Your partner insists the housekeeper stole their jewelry.
• Your partner claims one of the caregivers touched them inappropriately.
• Your partner is convinced that your dad is cheating on her and saw someone else in the house.

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How to Respond

1. Take All Accusations Seriously

Only you know what you’ve done, but there’s no way of knowing the actions of others. Therefore, treat all accusations seriously and ask more questions. Never dismiss their claims or tell them they are making things up. Learning more about where the accusation may be coming from will help you understand how to best address the situation.

Questions to Ask:

• Why do you say that?
• When did that happen?
• Tell me more.

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2. Validate Their Concerns

Always validate their concerns and try to dig into what might have happened for them to make such an accusation. Understand that it could be based on a delusion or a misperception of something that actually occurred.

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Example Misperceptions:

• In the case of stolen jewelry: Your partner may have hidden it and forgotten.
• Inappropriate touch accusations: The caregiver may have been unintentionally rough or didn’t explain their actions well.
• Accusations of cheating: Visual hallucinations or old memories could be triggering these thoughts.

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Responding to Accusations Against You

If you are the one being accused, remember:

1. Don’t Take It Personally

It's important to not take what you partner is saying personally. However, one thing I will never tell you is "it's the dementia talking." While the phrase “it’s the dementia talking” can feel 'comforting', it’s crucial to understand the underlying feelings of what is being communicated. What is your partner really trying to tell you about their experience?

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2. Tune Into Their Feelings

Try to understand why they feel this way. It might be due to something they experienced in the past or a misperception of recent real or imagined events.

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3. Adjust Your Behavior

If your actions contribute to their perception, consider making changes such as:

• Asking for permission before helping them.
• Explaining what you are doing.
• Knocking before entering their space.
• Inviting them to join activities.
• Getting out of the house together regularly.
• Eating meals together.

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Investigating the Accusations

Even if you feel the accusation is unfounded, look into it to some extent. This helps you understand if there is any truth to it or if there are ways to prevent future occurrences. What may your partner be misperceiving? What could you do to adjust this misperception?

You Could Try:

• Adjusting your approach or behavior.
• Speaking to those allegedly involved in the situation.
• Modifying the environment.
• Having duplicates of commonly misplaced items.
• Contacting a doctor for concerning hallucinations or other distressing symptoms.

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Addressing Reduced Logic and Reasoning

With dementia, logic and reasoning diminish. When an accusation is made, you need to change your approach rather than trying to change their perception. You cannot directly change a person’s perception. Therefore, in most cases, arguing about it or trying to use reason and logic will likely be a waste of time.

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1. Be Patient and Persistent

Efforts may not be immediately acknowledged because emotionally charged memories can linger. However, persistence and consistency in your approach can make a difference.

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2. Creativity in Solutions

Trial and error are part of the dementia care journey. You may need to frequently reassess and get creative with solutions to address the root of the accusations.

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By understanding and validating their concerns, investigating the root causes, and adjusting your behavior, you can navigate challenging accusations in dementia care more effectively.