How to Handle Hurtful Words from Someone Living With Dementia

Caring for a person living with dementia can be a challenging and emotional experience. One of the most difficult aspects of caregiving besides the caregiving itself is dealing with hurtful words and language from your partner living with dementia. It can be tough to hear hurtful comments from a person you love or are sacrificing aspects of your life to care for, especially when they are out of character or seemingly uncalled for. However, it's important to understand that these hurtful comments are often a symptom of the disease and not always a reflection of the person's true feelings. I say not always because sometimes they are, but they are just poorly communicated feelings.‍

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When there is a breakdown in a person's ability to communicate they may resort to using foul language. Why is this? Forbidden words or curse words are actually stored in a different part of the brain from regular "everyday" language. Most "everyday" language is stored on the left side of the brain. However, forbidden words or curse words are actually stored on the right side of the brain. Now, here's the thing, while many people with dementia lose skills managed by the left side of the brain (left = lost), the skills managed by the right side of their brain are often retained (right = retained). This retention can be beautiful because it allows us to be able to connect and communicate through things like rhythm and music. However, on the other hand, we are also left to deal with foul language too. This could include profanity, general vulgarity, insults, racial slurs, etc. Once you pair that with a lack of ability to control impulses, your partner may end up saying some pretty interesting, yet unpleasant things.

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So, instead of the person being able to say, "I don't like when you do that." It may become, "You are so stupid." or "You're a b*tch." Instead of the person being able to say, "I'm upset with you right now because X, Y, Z."  It may become, "That's why you are fat and ugly and nobody loves you." Does that make sense?

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Here are some tips to help better cope with hurtful words/language from a person living with dementia.

1.Understand that hurtful language is a symptom of the disease

It's important to remember that hurtful language is often symptom of the disease and may not be a reflection of the person's true feelings. Dementia can cause changes in the brain that affect a person's behavior, mood, and personality as well as what words that person has easier access to. These changes can result in the person saying hurtful things or using inappropriate language.

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2. Don't take it personally

Easier said than done for sure, right? But, the person with dementia may be lashing out due to frustration, confusion, or an unmet need and it's important not to take it personally. You must remember that all behavior is a form of communication, including behaviors that we find hurtful or offensive. So, next time your partner says something hurtful to you, try to remain calm and look at the situation objectively. Did you do or say something, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that may have made them say that? If they had full access to their vocabulary, what do you think they would have said instead? Is there an unmet need?

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3. Respond with compassion and empathy

Meeting them back with insults, shouting, and anger will likely only escalate the issue and accomplish nothing productive. Therefore, when the person with dementia says something hurtful, it's essential to respond with compassion and empathy while trying your best to validate their feelings. "You are right! I probably could have done that better." "I understand I upset you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I was just trying to help."

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4. Redirect the conversation

If possible, try to redirect the conversation to a different topic or redirect them away from conservation altogether to an activity, instead. This can be effective if the hurtful comments were triggered by a specific topic. Sometimes changing the subject or changing the activity can help diffuse the situation and prevent further hurtful comments. You may even suggest going outside to get some fresh air for a little, if that's an available option. This could include just sitting outside or going for a walk. A change of scenery or activity can help shift the person's focus from whatever they found distressing. You may even find it helps shift your focus too and gives you an opportunity to calm down.

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5. Seek support from others

It's okay to vent behind closed doors away from listening ears. You don't have to just sit back and take hurtful comments without feeling all the feels. It's important to seek support from others who get it — not everyone will get it though, so chose who you decide to open up to wisely. You can talk to family members, friends, or a support group about your experiences and feelings. You can also always reach out to Bambu Care, we are always here to support you the best we can.

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6. Give yourself some TLC

Caring for a person with dementia can be emotionally and physically exhausting, and it's important to prioritize your own needs. Make time to decompress and engage in self-care activities, even if it's just for 5 minutes at a time. You can go for a quick walk, meditate, enjoy a cup of coffee in silence with some noise cancelling headphones, if you must. But, taking care of yourself will help you be a better caregiver while productively coping with hurtful comments from the person you are caring for.